so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
