but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
