Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
