Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
