so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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