I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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