my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
