I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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