bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
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