i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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