this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In other news, I just burned my penis
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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