I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
