i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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