Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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