I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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