just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
