if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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