I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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