her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
