Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
