Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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