I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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