he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
