i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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