just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
