my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
