That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
