Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
