if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
