eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
