My liver just broke up with me...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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