420 ftw
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I am available for nakedness
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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