I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i came on her dog
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
