remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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