She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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