i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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