I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
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Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?