i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now