Sry I called you an 8
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I want to make a zoo with you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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