I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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