...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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