Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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