I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
