my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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