i can't believe i had my finger in that
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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