My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
