Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
