I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
