good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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