I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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