i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
