I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Holy sore nipples Batman
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
