I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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