Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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