Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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