Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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