I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
