She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just tell him i said nine months
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
