My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
