My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.