Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
