I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
