Pappa wants mamma naked
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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