Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
