Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
